Be afraid. Be very afraid. The seven deadly sinsss are upon us.

Freelance writer Babu Basu warns writers and readers to beware.  The seven deadly sins of bad writing are watching and waiting…

…ready to jump onto a page near you!

In the 21^st century Voodoo doesn’t trouble us. Seances make us smile and horror films… we watch them to unwind. On the face of it, the knowledge and cynicism of the modern world keeps many demons at bay.

Many, but not all.

The bad news.

There is still one terror that permeates into business, advertising, marketing and almost any medium that uses words. This horrifying phenomenon eats away at profitability, reputation, success and in some cases, even your freedom.

The background.

When we write we are constantly being judged on the content and delivery of our words. What we say says a lot about us.

If your writing doesn’t possess the X Factor, then being judged on it is not a happy occurrence.

The need to write anything (be it an essay, blog entry, web content or heavens forbid, a book) can instantly turn otherwise brave and rational people into gibbering, quivering wrecks.

What should I say? How should I say it? Is the grammar correct? What about punctuation? What will people think? Will they like it? Will they hate it? Will they even be bothered to read it?

The seven deadly sins are bad news for business. Not heard of them? Well you will. Gird your loins everyone, I’m going in…

The evil begins – badly smelt bossinesssss rittting (badly spelt business writing)

A little mistake here, a little mistake there. We’ve all been guilty of this one. The modern world is about speed. We don’t have time to proof read. Do we?

We should.

Badly spelt words send out the message that we don’t care. Not only can we not spell, but also, we can’t be bothered to use the spell check or dictionary. And if we are sloppy in what we say, how sloppy are going to be with the product or service we provide?

A silly as it may seem to some, bad spelling is a fantastic way to lose customers or lose any authority we may have previously had.

The second evil – no punctuation at all ever and ever amen

Here’s a shock! Punctuation is not just for the grammar police.

It is there to inject sense into a sentence. Punctuation can emphasise a point, speed up or slow down the flow of words, or, as in the case of the comma, tell us when to draw breath.

Always remember, punctuation is there for the most important person on the page – the reader. Little or no punctuation tells the reader you don’t care about them and you’re not bothered about their opinion.

The third evil – Overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr       EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adverts are notoriously bad for hyperbole. Hot for the hype.

This is a superb way of tiring the reader. Words have a rhythm. When you get over excited, your ears tire. Companies take note, shouting in adverts does not make people listen any better. It actually makes people switch off.

It’s not persuasive. It’s not credible. But it is one of the quickest way of to drive customers away.

And avoid the overuse of capitals – it is shouting in print.

The fourth evil – Liar liar, pants on fire.

Write lies and you will be in trouble.

Not only will this affect your reputation, it can also affect your freedom and/or your bank balance.

If you knowingly write untruths about a person, place, product or situation you could find yourself in court, facing libel charges.

Fancy facing a corporate manslaughter charge? If you deliberately write an untruth about a product and your product kills somebody, you could be facing a very long prison sentence.

This is the very worst sin. Stay away from it.

The fifth evil – Boring boring boring boring  boring.

Sadly, insipid and uninspired writing is rife.

Businesses who bore their customers with tired, lifeless work, lose the attention of their customers and with it, the opportunity to sell.

You cannot afford to bore. If you truly cannot write with wit, hire someone who can.

The sixth evil – Fat and flabbbbbbby

No, this is not a reference to my waistline, but a fat and flabby way of writing. This will shock some people – Customers and suppliers will not wade through bad writing just to get to ‘the best bits’.

With effective communication, ‘less is more.’  Tell people what they need to know and then get the hell out.

The sixth evil is a great way to anger your reader. If you’ve got your mind set on being excessive, give readers the name and number of your competitors, because that’s where you are sending them.

The seventh evil – Lost and going nowhere

A good piece of writing needs direction. However, if you don’t know where you going, how is your reader supposed to know? A clear line of thought/argument is necessary if you want your readers to follow.

If it helps, use subheadings and signpost your readers. They’ll appreciate your effort.

Anymore evil?

Sadly, yes.

Sins against writing grow strong in number. I call on you, the intelligent, thinking public to help me find examples of bad writing and send them to me.

Let’s fight the good fight.

The Disposable Customer

The world is bursting with throw-away items – convenience is key, consumption is king. But, as disposability becomes ‘de rigueur’, should our customers be throw-away too?

Freelance writer Babu Basu, is both besieged and bemused by bad customer service and watches firms deliberately discard clientele and the cash they bring in.

Losing the logic

Logic says that when times are tough and customers are few, we work hard(er) to find work. Logic suggests that we put more effort into presenting ourselves well and treating customers and potential customers with respect. And, logic says, if we deal with customers who have a problem, we try our outmost to sort it for them.

Alas, logic does not talk to everyone.

Those of you who have read my piece, ‘The Muppet Tax’, will know that when it comes to customer service, I do not write from an ivory tower. I have no romantic notions that the customer is always right. They aren’t.

However, when things go wrong, companies should be doing their best to put them right. They should, but they’re not.

The customer is key

We all hear companies chant the familiar, “The customer is key to our business”, but how many believe it? Watch consumer shows like the BBC’s Watchdog and you’ll be overwhelmed by firms that deliver outstandingly bad service. Organisations with ironically named ‘help lines’ keep customers waiting for over 2 hours with recorded messages, before a human being is able to talk to them.    2 hours!

I understand that sometimes things go wrong and technology can let you down. Sometimes, freak weather or staff illness can stop people manning the phones. But, when a company regularly makes customers wait for unreasonable amounts of time, it shows a total disregard for the customer, and, a limited comprehension of how business actually works.

You may have a product that people want right now, however, if you can’t look after your current clients, there’s little chance that you can look after future ones.

Fans, rocket science and the marketeers

Marketing professionals will tell you brand is everything. It is important, but reputation and customer service can make or break a brand.

And, I am sad to say, a lot of it is in the hands of the top directors. If they understand the importance of customer service, they will invest in it. They will empower their staff to sort out problems. They will keep call times down to a minimum and they will instil a ‘how can we help’ attitude. All things being equal, the company will prosper.

Companies with a ‘how much can we get away with’ mantra, will fail to win our hearts and our wallets. It’s not rocket science, yet many companies fail to grasp it.

Directors who view their customer service department as a ‘necessary evil’ are missing the point. A good customer service department defends and creates your brand and wins back customers. It is a place where customers are turned into fans – people who will rave about your service and your product to all that will hear them. Fans give you free advertising, and, assuming you have enough of them, will make you very successful indeed.

Manners – worthless or so very worth it?

In a 24 hour world, where the bottom line is key, freelance writer Babu Basu asks, “Should we make time for manners?”

Cash is king they tell me, and they’d be right.

At one point or another, all entrepreneurs have lost sleep worrying about liquidity. Assets are useful, staff are supportive, but cash… cash is the Swiss army knife in an entrepreneur’s inventory. With a million and one uses, money is of major importance, but should it be our only concern?

Some would say I’m being naive, but I believe that manners and decency should take equal billing.

Firms need to think about the impact their activities have on the rest of the world. In carrying out those activities, staff need to think about manners and their effect on people they work with.

The manners?

There was a time when we used to say, “Manners maketh the man”. How you behaved was a mark of the person you were.

The UK population was famed for its good manners. Jokes were made about it. Watch National Lampoons European Vacation and you’ll see Brits apologising when other people tread on their feet, or crash into their car.

How things have changed.

According to an article written by Murray Wardrop, from The Telegraph dated December 2008, Britons are “becoming ruder than ever as our lives become more stressful and hectic.”

I wonder, are companies too focused on the financials, massacring our manners? Is the emphasis on the ‘here and now’ damaging our ‘going forward’?

But don’t just blame business. Have a look our failing education system.

Things have worsened with the rise in texting and the fall in literacy rates. With a limited grasp of language, are we restricting the emotional intelligence of our workforce and their ability to express themselves?

On the whole, limited literacy restricts a population’s ability to be inspired by great works of literature, or appreciate incredible works of art. Could this also be leading to the ‘dumbing down’ of society? As a nation, this is something we really cannot afford.

As a people, we need to be polite.

Politeness ‘v’ Over-formality

Politeness should not be confused with over-formality. Over-formality is not polite, it is cold, stuffy and ineffective.

Politeness is friendliness in word and deed. It is opening a door for a stranger, or saying thank you to someone who has served you. Politeness is communicating your pleasure or displeasure in an appropriately assertive tone.

As a man with more than 10 years in customer service, I’ve read my share of complaints letters. In the vast majority of cases, the most effective letters were polite. Build empathy with your reader and they’ll help you more effectively.

Corporate Good Manners

You could argue that CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility) is the 21^st Century equivalent of good manners for business. Firms are becoming more aware of their impact on society, but I wonder, are people within those firms being polite to each other?

As a writer, I see rudeness every day. Emails are a prime example.

Instead of using the polite, “Can you?” or saying “Please”, or, “Do you mind” emails are swamped with “I need”, “Send me” “You must”

Now, you might think that I’m being over sensitive, but rudeness affects the bottom line.

A thoughtless email, sent to ‘hurry things along’ can actually be counter-productive. Time and again, I’ve seen staff become angry and instantly de-motivated because of the tone of an ill worded email.

Emails are instant, easily accessible and dangerous.

When you speak to someone on the phone you can hear their tone. You can usually determine their emotional state of mind. Angry, sad, sincere or tongue in cheek, you can usually gauge how the speaker feels.

With emails, the absence of a spoken tone makes gauging the emotional tone far harder.

Emails have another danger – they can be sent to other people – instantly. When advising others about sending tricky emails I apply The Watch Dog Test.

The Watch Dog Test

In a business setting, people should write only what they are comfortable sharing. Would you, for example, be comfortable if your email was sent to the consumer affairs programme Watch Dog, or used as evidence in a Court of Law? If not, don’t send it.

Talk to the Hand

I know I’m not the only one to see decency decline. In her fantastic book, ‘Talk to the Hand’ (half rant, half novel) Lynne Truss laments the decline of modern day manners. Her comedic rage struck a chord with many – 3 million people to be exact.

If I’ve struck a chord with you, then drop me a line.

Please and thank you.

If you’ve got it… flaunt it.

 At a time when the world is in financial hibernation, many of us have ceased our spending, when we should be flashing our cash.     

In a follow up to his article ‘The Credit Crunchie’, Freelance Writer Babu Basu knows that if you’ve got it, you really should flaunt it.

 

Flaunting it

Now let’s be clear, when I say ‘flaunting it’, I’m not promoting widespread nudity or the losing of clothes. The flaunting I advocate is financial.

Apparently, our economic situation is worsening day by day. Everywhere the media looks, there are job losses, company closures and a shrinking global economy. Financially speaking, the end of our world is nigh.

Isn’t it?

Before we shut up shop and hurl ourselves out of the nearest window, might there be things we can do?

Perhaps our first move should be to ignore the media.

 

Ignoring the media

For the last 6 months, the media has successfully swamped us with misery and gloom. Hope, creativity and entrepreneurial thought are nowhere to be seen. The long standing trust in banks, building societies and the way we do business has all gone without a trace. In short, we are doomed.

Really?

Whether or not you agree with the media’s assessment (and I certainly don’t), you can’t deny the impact that the media plays on our lives. Now, more so now than at any other time in history, media is everywhere – it is portable, consumable and forming an opinion somewhere near you.

A great deal of fuss is made about ‘the free Press’. I think the focus should now be on ‘the responsible Press’. Journalists, TV producers and editors need to consider the moral, social and economic implications of their work. In short, they need to understand the concept of ‘social cost’.

Social Cost.

In Economics, ‘social cost’ considers the non-monetary value of producing an item.  Thus, the true cost of air travel includes the monetary value of the ticket (fare plus taxes) as well as its social cost (pollution). Journalists need to understand that their work can pollute too.

I know what you’re thinking.

Responsible journalism with a social conscience is pretty thin on the ground. You’re right. So, in its absence, might I suggest some other alternatives?

 

Flashing the cash

As strange as it may seem, now is the time to be spending.

Firms scared by what they see in the media, are desperate to spend less, right at the time when they should be spending more.  If you need more people to buy from you, then you need to be spending more on your marketing.

Creatives are worth their weight in gold. First rate graphic designers, marketeers, writers and PR professionals can help your company re-brand, refresh and re-invigorate. They have the knowledge and the creativity to help you navigate these murky financial waters.

Granted, it’s hard to flash the cash if you don’t have any, and even if you do, you may not feel like flashing. So, how about a spot of discreet flashing?

 

Flashing discreetly

Remarketing doesn’t have to cost a fortune, and if you’re canny, you’ll take full advantage of the sizeable discounts offered by retailers and service providers.

Now I could argue that it is your moral duty to spend. You (yes you) need to put money back into the economy and you need to do it now. The Government has spent billions injecting money into the economy, however, until we all start to invest, nothing will change. Disagree with my morals if you must but don’t disagree with my economics. Your economy needs you, now.

Improving customer service

In a bid to reduce costs, many firms have skimped on the training of staff and down played the importance of customer service. Silly.

Right now companies should be fighting to hold onto customers as well as striving to find new ones. The best companies don’t just compete on price. It’s the extra things like first rate customer service and detailed product knowledge that will have your customers coming back for more.

 

Standing out from the crowd

Use a bit of imagination, take risks (small ones) and stand out from the crowd. In a marketplace that is increasingly becoming more uniform in its appearance, standing out will pay dividends – literally.

Finally,

Just hang on in there

The economy will pick up and things will get better.   Till then, flash with discretion.

 

Kolkata (Part II) – May the forcefeeding be with you

Freelance writer, Babu Basu finds his stomach bullied into submission and practices the national sport of haggling.

 

Back in the mists of time, the people of Kolkata ate to live. In a country where sustenance was scarce, people ate enough, just enough.

 

Over indulgence was saved for weddings, birthdays and major religious occasions.

 

To show you cared, you fed. To Indians the concept was clear:

 

If you liked someone, you fed them.

 

If you loved someone, you overfed them.

 

And if you really really loved someone, you fattened them up to sell at market.

 

At a time when we didn’t eat well, this wasn’t a problem. The occasional bout of gluttony was a good thing. It bolstered the spirit and the body.

 

But times have changed.

 

Over the years, the world developed more efficient farming methods, increased levels of prosperity and decreased levels of physical activity.

 

 

More and more of us ate more and more.

 

As India joined the modern world, the diet became modern too.

 

Initially, Indians began to eat better.  They were now head and shoulders above their forebears. And stronger too.

 

Mortality rates fell and the quality of life shot up.

 

 

Then, the really modern diet hit.

 

High fat, high sugar and low fibre became the norm, along with diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease.

 

Attitudes changed.

 

Suddenly it became normal to be overweight. Obese people were referred to as ‘quite healthy’. The notion of a ‘desirable weight’ grew to accomodate expanding waistlines.

 

Look round Kolkata now and you’ll see billboards advertising milk, featuring overweight children. The suggestion is clear, use this product and your children will be well fed and fat as these children.

 

Suddenly obesity has become aspirational.

 

Now you understand the mindset, I can introduce the concept of:

 

“Eat, eat!”

 

For years, relatives would surround me with food.

“Eat, eat”, would be ringing in my ears and in my belly. My hosts took offence if I couldn’t eat atleast my own body weight in one sitting.

 

 

It also became clear that if I hadn’t been in India for two years, I needed to eat two years worth of food during my two week stay!

 

If I ‘d consumed twice the amount of food I’d normally eat, that was an poor show on my behalf. Surely there was something wrong with me. And if not, there eternal question, 

 

“Are you dieting?”

 

Eating light is never an option here. Feigning illness is your only route out.

 

Thinking about it now, perhaps I don’t bargain enough. The next time I’m overfed, I should haggle.

 

I won’t eat everything, but if I eat another spoonful of food, or finish another bowlful of dessert, perhaps they’ll harass me less. Haggling after all is in their blood.

 

 

Haggle, haggle, haggle.

 

For those of us used to ‘fixed pricing’ in shops, haggling is a real education.

 

Shopping is a minefield of over charging and petty squabbling.

Prices are no-where to be seen.

 

Instead, buyers are required to ask, “How much?”

And so it begins…

 

 

The sport of haggling…

 

The buyer and the seller go back and forth in time honoured tradition. The battle moves forward thus…

 

The seller states his inflated price. (It’s usually a he).

 

Then the buyer (usually a she) scolds the seller for his price and tells him that his products aren’t that fresh.

 

The seller counteracts by claiming that he has the best produce in the market.

 

The buyer prepares to move onto another stall. The seller then plays his trump card – the price mysteriously tumbles.

 

The buyer then stops and considers the produce with renewed interest. Perhaps the goods aren’t quite so bad after all.

 

As the produce is bought, the buyer offers another a scolding. “The produce better be good, or there’ll be trouble!”

 

The seller for his part, reassures the buyer that the produce is A-grade and throws in a bit of flattery for good measure.

 

How could he ever sell someone so wise anything that wasn’t up to scratch? 

 

With that, money and goods are handed over and the game draws to an end.  

 

The fixed price game

 

To dissuade Indians from haggling, (a national sport, second only to cricket), certain shops display a ‘Fixed Prices’ sign in their window.

 

To the uninitiated or less brave, this sign signals the end of haggling. The goods are one price, and that is that.

 

Erm….

 

To the brave shopper, or the not so busy shopkeeper, it is merely another step in the game of haggling.

 

Sellers state their price. Buyers complain and demand a discount.

 

Sellers point to a sign that says ‘Fixed Price’.

 

Buyers moan and think about leaving the shop.

 

Sellers keep buyers in the shop, showing them better produce

 

Buyers ask “What is your best price?” Sellers sigh and give a discount.

 

Buyers accept and money is handed over. 

 

Both parties have played well.

 

 

Foreigners complicate the game

 

If the seller suspects you of being a foreigner, then the rules change.

 

Prices treble before your very eyes and discounts diminish.

 

The seller assumes that as a foreigner, you have no idea of the correct price. Nine times out of ten, they’re right. My advice? Go shopping with locals.

 

The seller initially puts out a foolishly expensive price. He then is soundly rebuked by all in the shopping party.

 

The seller, now suitably admonished, pulls in his prices and alters his demeanour. He knows he’ll know have to work harder to get that sale.

 

 

It amuses me that in a Communist led province, trade can be quite so ‘entrepreneurial’. The local government, not known for its energy or ability to get things done in a hurry could learn a lot from its enterprising citizens.

 

 

How does a seller know if you’re a foreigner?

 

Now, you might think that only people of a different skin colour are obvious ‘foreigners’. But you’d be wrong.

 

Indians who live in England, Europe or America are easy to spot – even before they open their mouths.

 

They look different. They act differently. They even stand differently differently.

 

You can spot a non-local Indian way across a crowded room or noisy market place. They really do stand out.

 

In cities like New Delhi, or Mumbai, where fashions change and money swirls about, spotting foreign Indians is much harder.

 

Not so in Kolkata.

 

Foreigners are seen either as innocents, or mysterious puzzling creatures from strange places. Why are they here? Why are they among us?

 

It’s as if E.T. landed in the middle of South Kolkata and demanded to know,

“How’s it hangin’?”

 

But it’s not all bad news. Being a ‘mysterious foreigner’ can be glamorous too.

 

 

The movie star is here.

 

Kolkata, more than any other city, makes me feel like a movie star.

 

People will stare at me wherever I go.

 

Whether it’s my clothes, my skin colour (a few shades lighter then most locals), my height (about a foot higher then some people) or something else, I know I stand out.

 

At first, it’s quite disconcerting. People stop and stare. But you get used to it.

 

Surprisingly, my presence has stopped traffic, halted conversations and even slow kids playing in the street.

 

Some people pass me off as a minor Bollywood star, whilst others think I’m a new cricket player. In a cricket obsessed country, that’s a huge compliment.

 

I don’t have the guts to cash in on this ‘fame’. I have yet to demand the best seat at a restaurant, or say those immortal words,

 

“Do you know who I am?”

 

Join me next week when I look at Bengali food, discover a Chaucerian attitude to spelling and ask, “Is having a great meal reason enough to get married?”

Kolkata (part I) Creativity, chaos and a broken down taxi.

Forget space travel. If you’re looking to visit another world, why not give Kolkata a spin.

Freelance writer, Babu Basu, touches down in the heart of West Bengal and loses himself to an unrelenting, and inescapably vibrant city.

I ought to start by my declaring my allegiance to Kolkata. Well sort of.

The city is part of my childhood, my adulthood. Part of me.

The creativity, the chaos. The unceasing, unnerving energy of it all.

I’ve tried desperately hard to deny it, but the non-stop madness is part of who I am.

Kolkata (known as Calcutta by the British) gets into your blood.

Like India, it finds ways of infiltrating your soul. Crammed full of unexpected beauty and astounding heritage, Kolkata has an unnerving ability to make you question who you are and how you live your life.

Famous for producing artists, writers, musicians and philosophers, Kolkata and it’s surrounding province, West Bengal, is said to provide the intellectual ‘crème de la crème’ of India.

Well, that’s what they tell me.

Having witnessed the city’s unruliness, I’m not so sure. But more on that later.

Welcome to the Paris of the East

Just as in the Paris of the West, Kolkata is laden down with incredible architecture.

For almost 300 years, Kolkata was the British capital of India. A cursory glance round this city reveals magnificent municipal structures and awe inspiring monuments.

The Victoria Memorial is a vision in white marble. This gigantic tribute to Queen Victoria (who’s said to have a soft spot for the city) contains within its 65 metre marble edifice, formal gardens and sprawling water courses.

Described as, ‘the city’s most distinguished landmark’ (they’re fond of using grand over-formal language in Kolkata), the building, designed by Sir William Emerson (granted, not your average Indian name), combines a ‘unique blend of British and Mughal architecture’.

The Mughals by the way, were an overly powerful, overly wealthy and overly ruthless royal dynasty, responsible (amongst other things) for the legendary Taj Mahal. If you’re looking for an equally influential European family, think of the hugely prosperous [and hugely devious] Medici clan from Italy.

As with most capital cities, the rich lived in Kolkata. And, like all rich people, they needed grand places to live.

Great houses and private palaces (many now in decline) pepper the city at almost every turn.

A dash round South Kolkata and palaces abound – inviting you to stop and marvel at their beauty. Grand houses in the north (filled with large and viciously blood sucking mosquitoes), stand side by side with modern (and sometimes equally ramshackle constructions).

The relentless sun and all pervading dust are enemies of architecture. Even the grandest Kolkattan buildings lose their sparkle in a thrice. Being house proud in this city is an expensive business. Both the interior and exterior of a house needs painting every year or every other.

Cleaning and dusting is something that has to be done daily, even hourly, in some circumstances.

Described as having a ‘colonial style’, the palaces have wide sweeping staircases leading up to the front of the house. Grecian style columns greet the visitor along with tall elegant windows paired with painted wooden shutters. The grandness of the exterior is just a hint of the exuberance within.

As a child, I visited one such house.

The crumbling façade and cracked interior walls could not hide the undeniable glamour within. Inside, heavy antique furniture made of dark exotic wood, complemented brass mirrors, grand chandeliers and obligatory Tiger’s head rug, strewn lazily across the marble floor.

Uniformed servants busied themselves. Tea was to be made and guests were to be overfed. It was a social requirement.

“Do you take tea?”

Quaint, antiquated English abounds in this city. This language seems almost fitting, when spoken in a palace.

In case you are wondering about that Tiger’s head, it was real. They don’t shoot Tigers anymore, (it’s a protected species and symbol of India). And they don’t build houses like this anymore.

The other Paris…

Also like Paris, Kolkata is full of the worst driving imaginable. Those of you familiar with Parisian driving, particularly on the notorious Ring Road, may (and should) shudder in fear.

Kolkata driving makes Paris driving look positively playful.

It is little wonder that the dashboard of trucks and taxis are festooned with religious imagery. Forget road sense, only the Divine can help you now. Hinduism (still the most prevalent religion in West Bengal) gives its’ believers a ‘Come what may attitude’. You see it in their driving. If they’re going to die on the roads today, then so be it.

Over the years I’ve visited over 14 countries and I have yet to see driving worse than in India. The Kolkata’s roads are in a shocking state of disrepair (one of the joys of a Communist led Province) and are constantly overwhelmed by unceasing legions of temperamental traffic.

I’d never experienced ‘gridlock’ until I saw it in Kolkata.

Drivers, desperate to make their way, push the noses and tails of their vehicles into the smallest, most ridiculous of places. Within seconds, a supposedly three lane road, with traffic flowing one way, becomes an all mighty mass of traffic trying to shoot out in all directions. Think medusa but with traffic, not snakes.

The more haphazard the driving, the more authentic it is to the city.

Any chance of the traffic jams clearing evaporates into the night air. Yes, even the night air. On this trip, I was trapped by traffic at midnight! This city never stops.

Being on the roads makes you religious – even if you’re not.

Once, I caught a unlikely looking taxi. I say unlikely, because it was unlikely that this taxi was going anywhere at all.

The vehicle appeared to be held together by an assortment of greasy rags and string. T

Through its floor I could see daylight and the ground slowly passing me by. The engine whimpered and moaned at me, shuddering at the thought of having to carry me, my aunts, the driver and his mate.

As predicted, the taxi broke down – and in heavy traffic. The driver turned round to me (the only male in the back) and asked me to get out and push.

With great reluctance (and more than smidgen of fear) I stepped out of the car and slowly began to push. With trucks, cars and auto-rickshaws, flying at you from every conceivable (and inconceivable) angle, my mortality was in question.

My relatives (including my mother, thanks Ma), sitting in the relative safety of the cab, thought it all highly amusing. It didn’t seem to occur to them that only Divine Providence (or blind luck) that kept me upright and breathing.

I’d love to see what passes as a driving test in this country.

Even if they do have a ’strict’ test (which I very much doubt), there’s bound me a lot of drivers driving without a licence. Kolkata has never been a city for rules. Rules are for chumps (and the more prosperous, better organised [less intellectual] cities in India.)

I wonder if the people of Kolkata are argumentative because they’re smart, or not smart enough. Naive as I am, I believe that intelligence includes an ability to pick your battles. To know when to fight, and know when to stop shouting.

I think the British (now long gone in Kolkata) still seem to be hear today. Apart from the architecture, plumbing, education and roads, the Brits have got into the soul of Kolkata.

The Raj, (the majestic sounding [and perhaps ironic] name given to the British rule in India), symbolized law and order in the city. It also represented at times a cruel and unwanted foreign force, sapping away precious resources, lording it over ‘unruly natives’.

Historians may tell you that the Raj was burned into the Indian psyche.

I wonder, did rule breaking became Kolkata’s form of insolence? Was it a two fingered gesture to the British and the order that they strived for?

Alas, current day rule breaking hampers the city and slows down the region’s economy.

As the national economy grows stronger, more people will buy cars and the greater the chaos will become. Kolkata’s current to solution is to build ‘fly-overs’, large multi-laned bridges that become overcrowded the moment they’re opened.

I wonder how long they can keep doing this.

As the West will tell you, economic development has it’s downside too.

(Join me in a week’s time for Kolkata Part II – where I take a look at some unlikely bedfellows: food, haggling and fake movie stardom).

at some unlikely bedfellows: food, haggling and fake movie stardom).

The Credit Crunchie

At a time when ‘woe is me,’ is our financial mantra, could a change in mindset save us all?

 

Babu Basu wonders whether it is possible to ‘think yourself out of recession?’

 

 

Go wash your mouth out!

 

You can swear in front of me as much as you like. I’m not offended. Use the ‘r’ word (recession) however, and I’ll ask you to leave the room. Do not offend me with such insolent language. I know that recession (look I’m saying it again) exists, but must we keep repeating that awful word?

 

For any bad word to be truly effective, it must only be used sparingly. The media, however, are positively bathing in it.

 

Things are bad economically. I’m not doubting that.

 

But I wonder, have we developed a ‘recession obsession’?

 

Could we, in fact, be talking ourselves out of recovery?

 

 

Doomed! We’re all doomed!

 

Our homes are losing value. Energy and food prices are rocketing and confidence is evaporating. The UK economy is juddering like a new driver, practicing clutch control. As we grapple with falling fiscal confidence, can we, the economic hoi polloi, really make a difference?

 

The economics bit.

 

According to free market theory, the impact of the individual is limited. In the UK, we’re only one of a 60,000,000 potential players, therefore, our ‘financial footprint’ is of little consequence.

 

But, this is just economic theory. Economic fact however, is rather different.

 

We may be part of a free market, but we are not, (sharp intake of breath) all equal. Some of us carry more sway than others. It’s not just about having more money. It’s also about having influence and shaping attitude.

 

The guilty fourteen.

 

Here’s a quote to get you thinking,

 

“The credit crunch in Britain was started by 14 individuals”

 

 

 

 

Fourteen?!!

 

According to a colleague, quoting from a BBC radio phone-in, the fall in consumer confidence was brought about by comments made by 14 key people – all well respected spokespeople from politics, journalism and business.

 

I’m not so sure…

 

Okay, economies are complex as are reasons for (I’m going to say it) recession. Our present state of economic stagnation occurred mainly due to global factors – things that most of us could do little about.  But, the quote got me thinking…

 

If individuals who shape attitude can slow down market activity, why can’t they also help to pick it up?

 

I’m not suggesting that we fake good news or have an Orwellian style ‘Ministry of Happy Thoughts’, but could we have some good news or practical debates on how we can make things better? Surely, there must be a way.

 

He crazy, no?

 

At this point, I’m sure certain politicians, economists and some of you think I’m a well meaning and idealistic simpleton. Perhaps I am. But before they cart me off to the funny farm, ask yourself, “Can we afford this complacency? Can we afford this cynicism? The average person in the street is hurting right now. Times are tough.

 

Happy happy. Joy joy

 

No one person has all the answers. That’s never the case in business, nor in economics. But, I’m pretty sure that many of us have part of the solution. We need to change our collective mindset.

 

Throw off the doom and gloom cloak and put on something more cheery. Sometimes, just adding an ‘i’ and an ‘e’ will help turn things around.

 

An ‘i’ and an ‘e’?

 

Throw away the term ‘Credit Crunch’. It frightens us all. It sounds painful. Instead, let’s use the far friendlier, ‘Credit Crunchie.’ (Ya see, adding an ‘i’ and an ‘e’)

 

The Crunchie bar was, and is, a delicious, crunchy honeycomb snack, smothered in chocolate. It’s sweet, tasty and makes us feel happy.

 

We need to bring that feeling of happiness back to our economy. That positive, desirable ‘Friday Feeling’.

 

So go out there and buy yourself a Credit Crunchie. Go now (or wait till the shops open).  Purchase a delightful honeycombed snack and watch (y)our attitude change.

 

 

 

What happens then?

 

Buying the Credit Crunchie will mean:

 

1)    You put money put back into our economy. This then generates more economic activity. This is known as the ‘Multiplier Effect’.

 

2)    You possess something that will make you feel happy. When you’re positive, you’re more able to face economic uncertainty head on.

 

3)    You feel psychologically stronger as you start to devour economic uncertainty. You are eating your problem away!

 

4)    You will have the energy to think entrepreneurial, creative thoughts.

 

And 5) If you eat too many, you’ll need to buy new clothes – putting more money into our hard hit retail industry.

 

Dentists, dieticians, doctors and fitness instructors would benefit too.

 

You see, happiness and wealth creation for all.

 

And, should you, on your travels, hear someone using the offensive ‘r’ word, you have my permission to beat them soundly with a Crunchie bar and force feed them with its sweet, entrepreneurial goodness.

 

    Go forth and Crunchie-fy!

 

 

 

 

 

Instalment 8 – The Muppet Tax.

Troublesome customers beware. There is a new tax in town and it could cost you dear.

 

Prices are rising, disposable incomes are falling. The government is taxing us every which way it can. We’ve all heard about income tax, stamp duty, fuel duty and VAT, but how many of us have heard of the new tax slowly creeping into our businesses?

 

Its level is not set by the government and its existence is not enshrined in law.

 

“What is this new tax?” I hear you cry.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, may present to you, ‘The Muppet Tax.’

 

The what?

 

The Muppet Tax. When a service provider predicts that a potential client will be troublesome or stupid, (ie: a Muppet), they’re likely to be hit with ‘The Muppet Tax’ – The extra levy aimed at the client justifies the extra hassle the client is bound to give.

 

 

Not heard of it? Let me explain…

 

In the 70’s and 80’s, the Muppet Show was the one of the coolest programmes on TV.

This sublime sketch show featured puppets and real life celebrities.  Its jokes, songs and parodies were legendary as were it’s characters, including Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy and Gonzo.

 

Now skip forward a few decades to Noughties.

 

In the UK of 2009, the phrase “You Muppet,” has become a term of derision.

It’s a way of saying someone is stupid, idiotic, foolish or troublesome.

 

 

Are you sure this exists?

 

Oh yes.

 

In concept, the Muppet Tax has existed for decades (and some would argue, centuries).  In certain trades the tax has been rife – Construction, Plumbing or any industry where the service provider sets his/her own rate.

 

I’ve seen other service providers inflate their prices when faced with a foolish client. I’ve even used this technique myself to price myself out of the market. It’s easier than telling a client you don’t want their business.

 

But this is terrible. What ever happened to ‘The client is always right?’

 

Having worked in client facing roles for almost 15 years, I can tell you with complete conviction, the client is NOT ALWAYS RIGHT.

Clients are human (well most are) and are subject to same frustrations and foibles as the rest of us.

Some customers are a joy to work with, others              not.

 

A close friend told me about an I.T. professional who bases his hourly rate on how difficult the client is going to be. Even when the client is extraordinarily difficult, the service provider is happy. He can revel in huge cash payments he’ll receive at the end of the job.

 

 

But why have I never heard about this tax?

 

Usually, leviers of the Muppet Tax apply it discretely. They’re unlikely to advertise its use.

However, some sellers actually tell their clients.

 

This week, a colleague told me about a service provider who had experienced significant problems, with a client’s account’s department. When the client booked the provider a second time, the provider doubled his rates.

 

When asked why he’d done this, the provider informed his client about the Muppet Tax, and explained why it had been charged.

 

Impressively, the client understood, and agreed to pay twice the going rate.

 

 

I see. How can I avoid this frightening levy?

 

1) Be a nice customer. Remember, the service provider has emotions too!

 

2) Understand that just because you’re paying for the provider’s time, you don’t own them. Start-up companies are notorious for this. Understandably, firms short on cash will want to squeeze every last bit of value out of a service. That’s fine. Just don’t squeeze the fairness out of the relationship.

 

3) Value your provider’s time. Understand it is as precious as yours.

A troublesome client, who had agreed to meet me, didn’t bother to turn up. Nor did he bother to ring to apologize. Three hours later he rang to inform me that he was far too busy to see me. No apology was offered.

Mistakes happen and sometimes life gets in the way, but arrogance is never justified. Your service provider is likely to be as busy as you are.

 

4) Know what you want.

By all means, get the advice from the provider. They’re the expert. Ask all the right questions, be honest and listen. If you need to change your mind, tell the provider as soon as possible and be reasonable.

 

5) Don’t play mind games.

Some business pundits will tell you that business is war. It isn’t.

In the long run, ‘getting one over’ stakeholders will only cause resentment. Treat others with decency and the favour is usually returned.

 

If however, you’d rather play mind games, expect Kermit and Miss Piggy to come a knockin.’

You have been warned.

Instalment Seven – Death by PowerPoint: A new form of modern day torture.

Millions of us use Microsoft PowerPoint, but how many of us use it well? 

Rather than making deals, influencing opinion and educating audiences, PowerPoint has evolved into something far more sinister – an instrument of tedium and torture.

 

Freelance business writer Babu Basu, begs, nay pleads with the reader to take note…

 

 

PowerPoint – Crimes against sanity.

 

You can forget the rack, you can dismiss flogging, and Chinese water torture just doesn’t cut it. Today’s corporate sadist will afflict you with something far more sophisticated; PowerPoint – Microsoft’s ubiquitous presentation programme.

  

This deceptively innocent piece of technology was designed to help persuade, inform and educate. However, it is more likely to bore, un-inspire and frustrate.

 

Your university or workplace will have you use PowerPoint with impunity.

 

Do so at your peril…

 

Millions of users worldwide, make PowerPoint one of the most popular forms of ‘persuasive technology’ – ie: technology that intentionally changes attitudes or behaviours through persuasion and social influence (Fogg).

 

Businesses, students, academics and those hoping to attract investment all use PowerPoint. I’ve even seen it used (superbly) at a wedding.

 

In the right hands, a PowerPoint presentation is bliss.

  

Short, sharp and persuasive. It gets your point across quickly and effectively. A well placed slide can add weight to your argument, summarise your case and sometimes, clinch a deal.

 

So what’s the problem then?

 

Alas, PowerPoint is rarely found ‘in the right hands’.

 

As a committed networker, (often wishing I wasn’t), I have the dubious pleasure of being presented to on a regular basis. Perhaps I’m affected by bad speeches more than most. As a writer with a background in business, I’m aware of just how good a great presentation can be – and how infrequently they’re found.

 

 The bad news.

 

When a presentation is bad (and usually you’ll know), look round the room. You’ll see vacant, confused or resentful expressions. Time is precious and a lacklustre presentation is an awful way to waste it.

  

Many presenters don’t realize they need to MOTIVATE their audience.

 

 

But why? They’re here aren’t they?

 

Just because an audience is sitting infront of you, it doesn’t mean that they’re interested in what you have to say.

 

Many of us network or attend meetings for a multitude of reasons. We’re not just there for the speaker. Make your speech interesting, informative and accessible. Then, the audience will listen.

  

I’ve sat through presentations where even the presenter was bored by what he said. (Presenters, I beg of you, when that happens, stop! Your audience will thank you for it).

 

 Be brief. And stick to the brief.

 

Unless you’re presenting something really technical, there isn’t any need for a battery of slides. For a 30 minute presentation have maybe 15 slides, if that. It isn’t necessary (or desireable) to bombard your audience with information. You’re trying to persuade, not baffle or brainwash.

 

Also, you may be an interesting person, but 9 times out of 10, the audience does not want to hear your ENTIRE life story. Unless ofcourse, you’re actually meant to be talking about your life story.

  

Presenters frequently make my blood boil by delivering a talk that veers violently away from it’s title. If I came to listen to speech about HR in Astrophysics, then by golly I want to hear it.

 

 

Your audience will not thank you for swerving away.

 

Avoid the showing of buttocks…

  

If you’re presenting, look up. See how your audience is reacting. Adapt your style to the audience’s mood. You’ll be more effective.

  

In one presentation I saw, a rotund gentleman kept bending down to access his computer. With his back to the audience, he succeeded in revealing his underwear and ample buttocks at the start of every slide. 60 slides later, the audience weren’t feeling so great. The presenter had no idea.

 

So what makes you so good?

 

I’m not a perfect presenter. Sometimes nerves make me stumble over my words. But, I understand the need to connect with the audience. Their time is precious and I won’t waste it.

  

Rather than being ‘the enemy’, the audience is usually on your side. People are generally supportive of others when presenting. The audience will forgive nerves, they won’t forgive arrogance.

  

If you do muck up, take heart. Studies in Social Psychology have shown that if a speaker makes a mistake and recovers with warmth and honesty they become more appealing to an audience than a speaker giving a flawless performance.

  

Sometimes it pays to make the odd mistake.

      

10 top tips to make your audience love you…

 

1. Don’t overfill each slide with information. People need time to absorb information.

 

2. Don’t use small or fussy fonts. Fonts such as Verdana, Arial or Tahoma are easier to read then        Blackadder or Comic Sans or Times New Roman.

  

3. Avoid complex charts. Your audience is some way away. You can always give a hand out.

 

4. Be aware that some people can’t see red and green. (Colour blindness). If you’re able to, use other colours.

 

5. Talk around your slides, but don’t over do it. The human ear doesn’t take in as much information as the human eye.

  

6. If you don’t know the answer to something, say so. You can offer to look it up afterwards.

 

If pleading ignorance is not an option, tell the questioner that you’ll speak to them at the end of the session. Some people just want to trip you up. You don’t have to fall.

 

7. Be brave, be different. I once turned a potentially boring presentation about ‘My home town’, into a lively affair by pretending to be a game show host. The audience loved it. (But only use humour where you think it’s appropriate. Humour can help, it can also hinder).

 

8. Be passionate about what you’re speaking. If you can’t be, fake it. Be passionate about your delivery instead. The worst speakers use a flat monotonous voice or speak in the same tempo throughout the entire talk.

 

9. Understand that there are a number of learning styles. Some people learn visually – for them use charts, pictures and colours. Some people learn through listening – keep the language crisp and to the point. And a few of us learn kinesthetically – ie by doing stuff. Set an activity for those types. The best presentations have elements of all 3.

  

10. Finally, look out for how long people stick around after your presentation. If you see smiling faces and people staying round to talk to each other AND YOU, you’ve done a good job.

 

Good luck everyone.

Instalment Six – Did the earth move for you dear? – Having the smugness shaken out of me.

When an earthquake hit much of the Midlands, it was not just the earth that shook. Your favourite freelance writer had the smugness shaken out of him too.   

But on reflection, had the reasons to be smug run out a long time ago? 

When I was a mere slip of a lad (back when flared trousers and long collars were standard issue and when no-one had heard of Margaret Thatcher, the Internet or Madonna), I learnt about differing climates around the world.

I learnt about the inhospitably cold north and south poles. I learnt about the hellishly hot tropics with it’s deadly diseases and poisonous pests. I learnt about the driest of deserts where only sand and scorpions survived and about cities plagued by earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.

And through it all, I learnt to be smug.      

Smug, because I lived in the U.K. where none of this foolishness ever happened.

Yes we had a volcano in Edinburgh, at the base of the Castle, but it was defunct and showed no signs of re-igniting itself.

We lived far away from the joins in tectonic plates, so we didn’t have earthquakes and the most poisonous creature we had (tabloid journalists aside), was the adder – a snake which rarely showed it’s face except in the longest of grasses and on the warmest of days.

Adders could probably give you a painful bite, but they were unlikely to shorten your life by any great amount.

What was the worst that could happen here?  

Well it rained a lot, so you could get a bit soggy, but floods were the sole preserve of places like Bangladesh.

You wouldn’t get such nonesense in Britain…   

Two decades on and things have changed. 

Climatic changes partly caused by unfettered economic activity, have removed most of our the reasons to be smug. 

Our temperate climate, is still, on the whole, temperate.  Bizarely though, both floods and water shortages are becoming more commonplace. Storms and violent winds feature evermore in our weather forecasts and, as both our land and our the waters warm up, exotic creatures like scorpions and sharks have been spotted on and around the shores of Southern England. 

Reasons to be smug are diminshing.  

But wait. There’s still a reason to be smug.     No really.     We don’t have earthquakes and the nearest live volcano would probably be in Iceland or Italy.  

Safe in my smugness I am. 

Or am I?             

Well actually,     no. 

On the 27^th Feb 2008, we had an earthquake. And boy, was my ‘school boy smugness’ shaken to the ground. 

The epicentre was in Market Rasen, a town in Lincolnshire, just 60 miles down the road from me. In geological terms, it’s practically next door.      Impressively though, the quake was also reported in Holland.

When you look at the numbers on the Richter scale, it was only a minor quake – (just 5.2 or 5.3, whilst sensational sources quote a figure of 5.9)   But, for a man who had never experienced earthquakes, it was absolutely terrfying. The word ‘minor’ didn’t come into it!

Like a good little freelance writer, I’d not fallen asleep when the earthquake started. At 00.57 the siesmic party got started and I hadn’t realized that I was invited. 

First I heard a noise and assumed that my next-door neighbours were running noisily about their house.

Then, the ‘running’ got quicker and quicker and louder and louder.

And then I heard it – that terrible rumble and shake. 

My bed was moving.       My walls were moving.     My roof was moving.  

And it just got worse. 

I feared, not for my life, but for my house.

I was petrified that if the shaking continued, I would lose my roof, my walls,    my home.

My house, that was made of bricks and mortar, shook like the flimsiest doll’s house.  In all honesty, I wondered how long the ‘doll’s house’ would last. 

As we live in troubled times, I had assumed that it was an explosion or terrorist bomb  It certainly never crossed my mind that I was in the midst of an earthquake.

After 30 terrifying seconds, (journalists say it was 30 seconds though it felt far longer to me) the earthquake took leave of my house and took with it, my sense of personal safety. 

For the next hour, I could hear the aftershocks murmuring in the distance.

By then, three things had dawned on me:

1) My neighbours ‘athleticism’ had not been the reason for my disturbance.                         

2) I had just been in my first UK bound earthquake.                                                          

And 3), My reasons to be smug had well and truly run out.